karin madden

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March 13, 2014 by Karin 6 Comments

When You Are Tired Of Feeling Guilty

I only glanced into her eyes.

I wanted to get my eyes onto the new life she carried with her.

Sleeping soundly. That whole sleeping like a baby thing. The seasoned pros know what the novices learn quickly – sleeping like a baby is not sleeping at all. It’s a brief peace interrupted by the restless squirm of an empty tummy or a full diaper. Sleeping like a baby might as well be called sleepless in (name your city).

Light of the Moon

I hugged my friend’s neck as they made their way through the gauntlet of our home. Passing carefully booby-trapped areas of trains, dolls, cars, and random kid items lead to the safe haven of the back room. The den. I can manage to keep one safe zone at a time. This one place where foot injury by Lego is least likely. Only one zone at a time. Someday… someday we’ll be able to tread freely in our four walls. Truth? I dread that day.

I finally looked into her sweet mama eyes and saw this glimmer of a look that triggered a foggy memory. I knew that look. Almost like looking into a distant mirror. Funny how in a certain light we all look the same…

How are you? How has it been going?

She smiled and we exchanged the pleasantries. The joys of motherhood and the blessing of babies. The sweet smells of the miracle of newborn life. The beginning curve of the lips when we realize the smile looking into our eyes has nothing to do with gas. We ooh-ed and aah-ed at the precious pink package who lay soundly sleeping in her car seat.

How are you… really?

That familiar strain of her eyes caught my heart. Those memories of sleepless wonder and delirium woke the newborn mama corner of my mind.

Oh, I remember like it was yesterday. It’s hard, isn’t it? Brutal to be so tired.

She nodded and smiled,

It was a rough day yesterday. I’m just not myself. I’m just so tired.

I nodded and saw that familiar beast prowling around us,

Yea, and you feel guilty. Because you want to enjoy this more. But you can’t because you are just too exhausted.

Her eyes filled.

Mine filled in unison with my dear friend. Oh, this lie. It enrages me. This pure joy and mighty miracle of new life is snuffed with the tale that we should relish every minute. Capture every moment in gratitude. Hold every hallowed waking moment in the shrine of our thankful mother hearts. But, the truth? We are awake every waking moment. And it’s brutal. Our soldiers and warriors are trained to withstand the torture of crying babies. It is a form of torture – this listening to tender new life… cry.

Baby Hands

I looked into my sweet friend’s mother eyes,

You know, I remember after my fourth baby was born. My mother-in-law came to visit. She gave birth to and raised nine children. I told her I wanted so badly to enjoy this, but I was dying from exhaustion. What was wrong with me?

Her eyes fixed on mine and I went on,

She told me, “Oh, Karin, you want to survive this part. You’ll enjoy it soon.”

That was it. Off the hook. Guilt got a one-way ticket out.

My friend and I smiled as the relief released us both. Sometimes we have to hear it again. Sometimes we have to know the truth over and over again. Gratitude and joy can exist right in the middle of the blues – they might just appear cloudy for a while. And it’s all ok. Guilt is the lie. Guilt snarls,

You aren’t grateful enough. You don’t deserve this gift. You aren’t cut out for this. You are not enough.

And it’s a lie. You are enough.

You are enough when the new life enters this world.

You are enough when the toddlers scream and shriek and drive to you to madness – and your fifth cup of coffee.

You are enough when the attitudes grow in these young growing bodies – and you wish, for a second, they were little again.

You are enough when they grow up and grow out – and you wonder why you ever begrudged a moment of time with them.

You are enough – if you have never birthed life to another soul and you wonder why.

You are enough.  

You are enough in the middle of the messes, the mayhem, the fear, and the failures.

You are enough.  Because He is enough. 

And He hasn’t left us alone.  He’s walking us through the season.

Walk With Me

The guilt – it entangles us and we trudge along under its weight doing and trying. Doing and trying and plodding along with one good hand, while the other slowly goes to our throats and squeezes. Choking the love of life right out of us.

We are free. Free to bring our hands down from the self-choke hold. Free to breathe and behold the gifts in front of us – even in the weary moments. The guilt is a lie – the joy is real. Even under the fog of survival.

Baby Reading

The little one in the car seat began to stir. We crowded around as the new eyes flickered. She stretched her little arms toward the heavens as her baby blues opened.

These tiny arms opening up – to joy, to life – to the grateful gaze of her mother.

 

Hebrews 10:22-23

let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Karin Madden

Filed Under: A Day in the Life, Faith, Friendship, Joy, Motherhood Tagged With: Mama of a newborn, sleepless nights, you are enough

December 12, 2013 by Karin 8 Comments

When The A Falls Right Out Of Your PEACE

She just wouldn’t stop.

You know, one of those days when the two-year-old replaces peaceful playing and a rejuvenating nap with endless shrieks and crazed tantrums.

Propped on my hip while the casserole cooked far too slowly, she twirled her hair, sucked her thumb and retained the death grip on my shoulder.  The one she’s held all. day. long.

That’s when we heard it.  The crash.

No one seemed to be phased.  Tinkerbell on TV offered much more intrigue and excitement than a jingling ruckus from the front room.

What in the world?

She and I – attached at the hip – shuffled around the corner to see.

There it was.  The perfectly placed PEACE… wrecked.  Silver jingle bells and all.

PE CE with the A

The A in our PEACE had just about enough for the day and decided to plummet straight down.  Right onto my keyboard.  This keyboard with the question mark already missing.  Who needs more questions, anyway?

Damage done

Jingle Bells

The damage caught my eye immediately.  The perfectly smooth space bar now resembled a ski slope.  Eh, who needs space?  Ski slopes are so much cooler.

The V appeared to have taken a ding.  V.  What’s it for?  Vengeance, villains, vultures.  No thanks.  What about victory?  That one has already been written.

Very.  Nah, it’s overused anyway.

Further investigation showed a hit to the tab key.  Tab.  It’s really just a quick jump ahead.  There really are no quick jumps ahead.  It’s best to go one step at a time.  Don’t want to miss a thing.

So, there it was.  The A in our PEACE had fallen.

No more A game.  No more plan A.  Now what?

What if there is no plan B?

What if we put all our plans and hopes and dreams into one basket; and plan B never has a chance to form?

We’d better have a good plan A.

I held her on my hip.  Of course, the crashing jingle stopped her whining.  Wreckage always seems to entertain us.  We can’t seem to take our eyes off it.  But, then, we want to know what comes next.

Our PEACE was missing its A.

All we have left is PE  CE.

This picture of decoration perfection crashed and burned.  Leaving in its wake a hole.  No A.  Instead, an F.

And it stopped her crying.  And it stopped my fuming.

It crushed the keyboard and its unnecessary strokes; but, I can still type.  Ski slopes are cooler anyway.

PEACE.  When it’s the kind we strive for and insist on.  When it’s the kind we try to emulate from magazine shots and pinterest.  When it’s the kind that just sits on a shelf and sparkles pretty… but doesn’t really permeate our hearts.  What good is that kind of PEACE?

Perfection.  Expectations.  Anxiety.  Chaos.  Exhaustion.

It’s not the kind of PEACE we want.

PE.  Separated from the CE.

Perfection and Expectations – by our standards – are best far removed from the CE.

Christ and His promise of Eternity.

Christ.  Eternity.

She and I looked up at the dangling remnants of a mama’s plans gone wrong.  Yet, there was just something right.  

Her crying stopped and mama… laughed.

Leave it behind

Maybe the best way to find our peace is by leaving our A’ss behind.  Anxiety, anger, arrogance, aggravation, agitation.

Maybe the missing A will leave some space… space to breathe.

Space to find the real peace… in the joy.

JOY

There are no A‘s in JOY.

Just. One. Yahweh.

May we all find PE CE this Christmas… without the A‘s.

 

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

Karin Madden

Filed Under: A Day in the Life, Faith, Family, Joy Tagged With: Christmas joy, peace

September 30, 2013 by Karin 6 Comments

When It’s That One Time That Matters

It’s time for the 31 Days series.  Every year in October The Nester hosts a link-up for writers and bloggers from all corners.  The topics are as varied as the writers.  This year I will write for 31 days about Good Deeds.  The story that prompted this topic is one that I will post on day 2.  Most days we are overcome by our chores, tasks, and to-dos.  These stories inspire me to look beyond myself at the world around us.  We could all use a hand sometimes.  Every good deed touches a heart in ways we may never see.

You can follow the series by clicking here to find all 31 days of posts.

Hebrews 10:24

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds 31 Days of Good Deeds

~Day 1 ~

I could almost hear a voice.  It was really just a thought that pierced my daydream.  It was the kind of thought that really doesn’t make any sense, so you are pretty sure it didn’t come from you.  The thought rang again,

Take the $20 from the bathroom counter and put it in your pocket.

I puzzled over the request and shrugged.  My thoughts replied,

Ok, I’ll do it.  If I can remember.

I dressed and got ready for the very important outing to Costco.  Supplies were running low.  Detergents, diapers, breakfast sausages that my 11-year-old can prepare all by himself.  The sausages are crucial because they buy me just a little bit more sleep.  I love sleep.  I grabbed the keys, kissed my warrior, and snuck out the back door.  Alerting the six pack to my departure would only bring tears and clamoring to come along.  Any mama knows that special “me time” at the store cannot be interrupted by tag-a-longs.  I stealthily climbed into the truck and sped off (at a screeching 15 mph).

The journey through the store could bring many valuable truths to light.  Pushing that oversized cart through the crowded aisles on a Saturday opened my eyes to one thing.  I wasn’t really there.  I was certainly there in body, squeezing between carts and past temper tantrums, but my mind was somewhere else.

Is this how we cruise through life?  Half in the space where our feet are planted and half somewhere else?  My mind drifted to what the kitchen would look like at dinnertime, to what the kids might remember they wanted to add to the list before I left, to what we might do on the weekend.  My mind drifted to friends back home, to the list of to-do’s that were undone, to just about anything and everything except for the cart… and the people in front of me.  It seems the more people are around, the less we look at them.  City living can bring us to close our minds, our doors, and our hearts just a bit more than country living.  The more faces we are surrounded by, the less we want to be bothered.  Maybe it’s all just too overwhelming and we find a safer, quieter place behind the shut door.

Finding myself in the back row of the swarmed parking lot, I remembered,

The $20!  Sure enough, I forgot.

I whispered under my breath to the One I knew was listening.  He is surely accustomed to my forgetful nature.  I like to blame it on the kids.

Ok, I’ve got something.

I dug into my purse and retrieved the only $4 I could find.  I shoved them into my pocket.

I’m not sure where You are going with this, and I’m sorry I forgot.

I heard You and then got distracted.  I hope this will do.

I checked out my small fortune of groceries and struck up a conversation with the cashier.  If I were the cashier I might like to talk to the sea of faces passing me by with crates of supplies.

She was a nice lady and told me that she had lived here for over 30 years.  She really wanted to go somewhere else, where the trees would tower and the water would glisten.  She was a little nervous about the change of climate.  The humidity anywhere else might be just too much, but she really wanted to go.  Sometime. 

Thirty years is a mighty long time to wish you could go somewhere else.  I wonder if our hesitation to try something new always stems from our resistance to the uncomfortable?  I wonder what else our comfort might be keeping from us?

Helping Hand

The cart swerved and wobbled its way to the truck as I scrambled for the keys.  I pried open the tailgate and began to unload the goods.  It was only about one minute.  One minute passed before I looked up and saw her.

She appeared old.  I doubt that she was as old as she looked.  Her face reminded me of a face I had seen years before.  She reminded me of a meth addict I had treated in a hospital here over a decade ago.  The woman back then had a stroke.  Just one of the many horrors addictions can bring.  It can age you, too.  The kind of aging that rips and robs any glow from the skin and light from the eyes.

I looked at the woman in front of me and really saw her.  My mind zoomed to the sight before me.  She was dressed in flannel and jeans.  The clothing was no match for the 98-degree temperature, even though the feel of dry heat does not match its number.  Her hair was a gray mat of strands running halfway down her back.  The blue-gray eyes appeared dusty and sunken in her loose skin.  She mustered any amount of dignity she could gather and spoke.  The one tooth remaining in the front of her mouth pointed like any accusing finger at all the wrongs and neglect that left it alone to hold a crooked,  forced smile.

I wonder if you could help me.  I need money for a bus.

I knew there were no buses cruising this side of town, and there were certainly no buses in the parking lot of city suburbia waiting to pick up disheveled and desperate souls.  I had been expecting her.

I replied as I dug in my pocket,

I do have something.

She seemed almost stunned at my response.  It didn’t appear she got too many responses to this same question I am sure she had asked countless times.

Oh.

She whispered as her eyes met mine.

I handed her the four crumpled dollars.

I’m sorry it’s not more.  I was expecting you today.

Her smile curled slightly as her eyes flickered.  Maybe she was not accustomed to conversation, or maybe the thought of someone expecting her presence caught her off guard.

I continued,

I kind of knew I would meet you today.  Good luck to you.

She nodded and disappeared into the sea of cars.

Why in the world did I say ‘good luck’?

My hand went to my forehead to thump some sense into it.  It was pretty obvious that ‘good luck’ had not gotten this lost soul very far.  What I really wanted to say was,

God bless you.  Do you have anywhere to go?  

I didn’t say any of those things.  Just, “good luck.”

I climbed into the comfort of my big red truck and stared out the window.  How many handfuls of dollar bills would it take to get this desperate woman to the place she was longing to go?  Where in the world could a bus take her to find the answers?  She didn’t need a bus ticket.  She didn’t need ‘good luck.’  The lost soul with the sunken eyes and the wry smile needed something much more.  She needed a hand.

I was glad she had interrupted me.  I was frustrated I had ignored the Voice that prompted me to pocket the $20 on my bathroom counter.  I remembered the voice of my friend’s dad,

Nine times out of ten, the person asking for money is probably going to use it for no good. 

Nine times out of ten it won’t take them very far. 

It’s that one time… that one time, that will make all the difference in someone’s life.

The difference one time can make.  It matters.  It may matter to one life out of ten, but that is one whole life.

Just like mine.  Just like yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would love to hear your stories.  Do you have a good deed to share?  A story about you or someone you know?  

If you would like to share your story, you can email me at sunrisewithasixpack (at) gmail (dot) com.  I’d love to post your words (and you can remain anonymous) here for others to read and be encouraged.  Bad news gets all the headlines ~ let’s spur each other on in love and good deeds…

Karin signature

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: A Day in the Life, Hope, Joy, Love, Uncategorized Tagged With: 31 days of good deeds, that one time

August 11, 2013 by Karin 12 Comments

When You Are Feeling Stripped and Alone

Stripped in Las Vegas.

Ok, not literally.  Stripping does not have to be literal to leave you feeling naked.

I’ve been in this place before, though it has been many years.  I can barely remember.

The memories are returning and I am surprised that I forgot how it felt back then.  Like a mama holding new life… slowly a window opens to scenes from moments gone by with babies before.  How do we forget?  The memories pour into the window like a rogue rainfall… streaming sideways, soaking the sill and everything in its path.

We forget… until, suddenly, we remember.

I remember feeling the loneliness that comes with the solitude of mothering children far from family… far from friends… far from anything, and everything, that feels like home.

new paths

It is different this time.  There are… more children.  The change is not in the numbers.

The change is in their awareness of the same loneliness mama felt years ago, when just mama was enough to fill their young hearts.  When just mama was enough to keep the days full, the tummies full, the hours full, the arms full.  When daddy’s evening arrival brought booming shrieks and wild, flailing arms.  Thankfully, that has not changed with the years.  Daddy’s arrival floods those young hearts with joy… maybe even more than back then.

It is different this time.  There are hearts feeling this stripping for the first time.  Much younger than this mama ever experienced it.

My oldest son… those blue eyes gazing out the window.  The sun blinding.  The rays blurred by the silent tears rolling down his smooth young, freckled cheeks.

My arm on his shoulder wishing I could keep the weight of all this from bearing down.

Are you ok?

Are you sad?

The blinking of tears, nodding.  His jaw clenching in hopes of tightening a heart to this new place.

If you could be anywhere, doing anything, where would you be?

The hard choking of words from the boy growing up just too fast.

Um, I dunno, I guess I’d be hanging out with my friends.

That feeling.  I know that feeling.

There are many things a mother can bear and hold… but this.

I know this one.  There is nothing a mama can do to get around this one.  This one, this time… I have to teach him how to go through it.  Teach him to square his shoulders, cry without shame, pick his head up, and find joy.

This joy that does not come from friends spilling in the front door at all hours.  This joy that does not come from endless summer days spent swinging on hammocks engrossed in conversations that only 11-year-old boys can truly appreciate.

Show him how to find the joy that comes from seeking.

This joy doesn’t come from the ease of childhood we long to give our kids.

This joy doesn’t come from the cushion of security that comes from the familiar.  It comes from the hard step onto the path of uncomfortable.  The rocky road filled with obstacles.

rocky path

I recently read an obituary of a woman who knew she was dying.  She had this to say…

…And may you always remember that obstacles in the path are not obstacles, they ARE the path.

(Jane Catherine Lotter)

The obstacles… they are the path.

Stripped of family.  Stripped of friends.  Stripped of familiar routines.  Stripped of the go-to-girlfriends.  Stripped of waves from familiar passing faces.  Stripped of the moments when a look between friends is more than enough.  Stripped of walking through children’s bedrooms at night, without needing one single light to guide the way.

Stripped of the paths that are worn and smooth.

We had comfort back there.  We had a place where the seeking was easily met with the busyness of schedules.  We had a place where we grew to rely on our friends.  We had  a place where we knew everything by heart.  We had a place we left pieces of ourselves.

We had support and a good life.  Maybe… maybe, we grew too comfortable… and maybe we forgot, just a little bit, to find our comfort in God.

The journey to this new place was filled with schedules and the go. go. go. of moving.

Here, now, the moving is done.  We find ourselves in this place of sitting still.  It is in the stillness that you can find yourself feeling stripped.  Feeling naked without the clothing of the security blanket.  Still and alone.

This time is different.  The times that ring in my memory remind me of what was missing back then.  The joy I could not find in the stillness all those years ago.  The One I didn’t even know was there.  Not floating up high, but right… there.

shine the Light

He is still right… here.  Here in the stillness.

I held my boy’s chin in my hands, wishing I could take the sorrow.  Knowing that this way is better.  My dear sister reminded me…

They have to learn this sometime.

The places will change.  The faces will change.

Our hearts will break.  Our tears will fall.

The loneliness will come.  The solitude will appear.

But, He is here.

Just waiting.

I held his chin,

I know this is hard.  It will get better.  I know this.

We need friends.  God will give us friends.

We have to stay with Him.  And trust Him.

He only has good plans for us.  For you.

His head nodded slowly.  Just to know we are not alone… sometimes that is all we need.

We are not alone.  You see, my kids asked Him for friends before we even left home.  This day, this day of tears spilling and a young heart touching sorrow and solitude… this day, one showed up.

She texted,

I’ll be there in 5 minutes to get him.

This new friend, with an 11-year-old son, saw the sadness she had seen in her own children’s eyes just a few years ago.

My son, all smiles when he saw the face of his new friend.  Hours later, he came bounding back into the house.  Joy.

sunset over friends

My tears came later.

My warrior, a helpless look in his eyes shadowed by guilt,

Are you ok?

There is so much a mother can bear, but it is the heartache of her children that renders the mother heart… wounded.

I am ok, it’s so much harder when it’s one of my babies.

He nodded understanding.

We moms, we sneak grief into a closet and drop tears into plush carpet.  Only One sees them.  Only One wipes them away.

How am I going to learn more?

Who is going to teach me?

Whom am I going to depend on?

Whom am I going to go to?

Pleading heart behind the we-are-gonna-get-through-this and there’s-a-reason-for-this-place facade that slowly began to crumble.

Then, the whisper…

I am.

His words whispered to this still heart,

You have Me.

Maybe sometimes we have to strip off the worn, comfy, rubbed-bare silk we have clothed ourselves with through people, tasks, schedules, well-intentioned missions… just to get back to… Him.

Him.

Stripped.  Wholly naked… to become Holy clothed.

 

Luke 5:16

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Karin signature

 

Filed Under: A Day in the Life, Faith, Family, Friendship, Joy, Military, Motherhood, Trust Tagged With: alone and praying in a closet, stripped from the comfort zone

July 31, 2013 by Karin 12 Comments

When You Realize That “Maybe Later” … May Be Now

It is hard to leave.

I think, though, that it’s harder to be left behind.

leaving

It was only a month ago.  I watched the tail lights until they were only a glimmer… and then gone.

I don’t know when I will see her again.  I didn’t cry.  Not one tear.  It’s pretty strange for me to hold back a good flood.  Cleansing… those tears.  Though I have to remind myself that there is no shame in them.  I wonder why we struggle so hard to fight tears, when releasing them is far beyond the relief that any long talk or soothing glass of wine can bring.  I have to remind my kids… especially my boys… there is no shame in crying.  We were made to cry just as much as we were made to laugh.

Nevertheless, the tears didn’t come.

Hm, strange.

My heart hurts… but, no tears.

Maybe later.

I looked into eyes… blue eyes, brown eyes, and those green ones.  Brimming heartache.  My own blue-green soul windows… guarded.  Heartache in my throat quickly smothered by my own words…

It’ll all be ok.

This will all work out.

Just wait and see.

This is only the beginning.

I repeated these same words over and over.  My kids needed to hear them, but maybe I needed to hear them the most.  I just didn’t know it yet.

I looked back as our own tail lights rounded the curve.  The tan mama arm thrown over her son’s shoulder.

I wonder if she is telling him the same thing…

We began the first leg of our journey.

maryland my maryland

Hours upon hours and then darkness set in.  Finally, through the veil of trees I could see the outline of the house I called home for decades.  This place of carefree youth nestled in the overgrowth of memories.  Snapshots tucked in my mind.  My parents still live there.  A gift.  The feeling in my throat returned… joy, sorrow… how odd the two can mix and swirl and just get stuck in your throat.  That ache that burns up to brimming lids.

Squeals from the back seats,

We’re finally here!

The words pushed that feeling and the brimming back into storage.  Maybe later.

Just a few days.  We had many more days to go.  A long journey for two parents, six kids, 1000 videos, and one truck.  We had a long way to go.  It would just leave time for a few short days here.

grandma's secret garden

The thunderstorm woke her that night.  She doesn’t do very well with thunderstorms anymore.  She tells me that they remind her of the bombs.  The bombs that burned her German city when she was 13.  The apartment home her family lived in was hit directly.  The air raid sirens shrieked through the night.  My mom and her little 3-year-old brother were separated from her mother and three other siblings.  Running in all directions.  Running into a burning city.  For a while, she sat with him on a park bench.

You just can’t imagine the storms that come with that much fire.

So many storms.

They began to walk.  They walked and walked.  The door to the bunker was open.  The women standing at the doors wore only their slips.  The heat was too intense to remain dressed in proper clothing.  The women were fanning air into that bunker.  That’s where she found them.  That’s where mom found her own mama and siblings.  They were reunited.  A gift.

The storms, they scare me.

distant storm

I looked into these eyes that had comforted, disciplined, loved, and raised me.  She was the one who calmed my young heart during the storms of my youth.  Now, she walked into the kitchen shadowed by midnight and needed a little bit of comfort right back.

It’s ok, Mom.

It can’t hurt you.

We’ll just talk a little while.

We talked for a while.  The memories slowly sifting from this mind that holds decades upon decades of life.  Those same blue eyes looked into mine,

You are going so far away.

I don’t know if I’ll see you.

There it was again.  That feeling rising in my throat.  No, not now.  Maybe later.

Her eyes smiled into mine.  Brimming.

Ok, c’mon, Mom.  You went far from home and still saw your mom.

There I was, trying to convince her.  Or, perhaps, myself?

There is no fooling wise eyes.  No matter how much they seem to forget.

Her hand touched mine.

Well, we will certainly see each other in heaven.

I don’t think in all my life that I have ever tried to fight tears like I did at that moment.  Why, I am not sure, but fight them I did.

Of course, Mom! 

But, we don’t have to go yet.

My mind racing… it’ll all work out.

Not to be undone by sadness or uncertainty… we danced.  Mom has a thing for polka music.  At midnight, she turned on her music despite my and my husband’s attempts to quiet the music for the sake of sleeping children.  No, we had to dance.  She is quite German that way.

The three of us danced polka and sang Biergarten Musik into the wee hours.

My 83-year-old mama, my warrior, and I.  We danced and my eyes brimmed.  No time for tears now.  Maybe later.

The morning came.  The truck loaded with kids and cargo.  Little arms wrapping and squeezing around these grandparents and then my turn.

Every time I leave them, I wonder…

No, not now.  It’s just too much right now.  Maybe later.

I could see their waving arms in the rearview.  Smiles.  A gift.

Our tail lights climbed the hill and disappeared.

Texas sunset

The journey went on for days and days.  Rolling hills and green gave way to prairie, and desert, and majestic mountains.  The scenery mesmerized.  Sweltering humidity gave way to blistering heat.  It’s all sometimes just too much to take in.  You know that feeling when you can’t believe you are somewhere doing something until it’s over.  Then and only then can you see what was before you.  Only to find it is behind you in the rearview mirror.

bridge over water

Desert mountains

We made it.  Road trip with a six pack.  All the way across this breathtaking land.  Mama sanity is over-rated anyway.

evening mountains

Sometimes it’s on the other side that we can finally see.

We can choose joy, you know.  Joy comes from the surrender.  The real surrender.

The feeling came back.  That feeling in my throat.  Here, right where I am.

It’ll all be ok.

This will all work out.

Just wait and see.

This is only the beginning.

I could only whisper it to myself.  Thoughts colliding like bumper cars in my mind.  Just almost too much to take in.

I could only whisper this to me.  Stripped of the old normal.  The comfortable.  The safe place I could squelch that nagging feeling in my throat with,

Maybe later.

Maybe there is no later.  Maybe the point is now.  Right now.

I told my girlfriends,

Live day-to-day.  That’s my new motto.  

I can only think about right now.  The rest of it is all sometimes too much.  It is meant to be taken in day-to-day doses.

We have right now and to live fully in this moment… is the point.  That is the gift.  It’s not a new idea.  Carpe diem has existed for ages.  Actually seizing the day takes practice.  So, here I am in this new normal.  That nagging feeling in my throat.  Here it is again… burning, brimming, blurring these eyes.  Maybe later has tricked me just a little bit.  Maybe later delays the sorrow… and the joy.  Maybe later, may be just all wrong.

Yes, here it is again.  That collision of sorrow and joy.  Maybe later…

May be now.

 

Matthew 6:33-34

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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Filed Under: A Day in the Life, Faith, Family, Joy Tagged With: carpe diem, maybe later is all wrong

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Meet Karin

Hi! My name is Karin Madden. Writer. Warrior wife. Mom of six pack. Homeschooler. German-blooded southerner. Welcome to the place where I explore what it means to grow stronger - spirit, soul, and body. I write to inspire and encourage - to remind you we are not alone. By being bold with grace and speaking truth in love, we can become who we are meant to be. I'm glad you are here.

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  • The Dance May 29, 2015

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