He looked up at me with those big blue innocent eyes.

We had travelled for weeks.  Traveling can do a number on your digestive system.  Especially when you are prone to allergies.  Especially when you are six.

He didn’t want to go alone.  They never do.  The bathroom still ranks in the top three for most popular mama dates.

We were visiting friends.  Friends we miss.  Friends who have captured and taken hostage pieces of our hearts.

We condensed ten years of life into two weeks.  It seemed more like 43 years of life, to tell you the truth.  That whole thing about uncovering your roots.

I primped in the mirror as he contemplated 6-year-old life.

Mama, you know what I am most afraid of?

Examining my wrinkles and tired eyes in the mirror, I murmured,

Hm, what’s that, sweetie?

His face formed that thoughtful look he gets when he purses his lips and the one darling dimple in his right cheek burrows and begs a mama kiss.

I’m afraid of when you and Daddy die.

Who will guide us?

My eyes blurred in the mirror.  Where do they come up with this stuff?  Who knows the depth of a human heart?  No matter the age.

Oh baby, don’t be afraid.

Do you trust me?

He nodded his blonde head vigorously, still perched on his throne.

To infinity and back, Mama.

I kneeled before him and took his soft young chin in my hand,

Well, you can trust God even more than that.

He’s the one guiding Mama and Daddy.

Even when we go, He will keep guiding all of you.

You will never… never… be alone.

He looked into my eyes with a seriousness beyond his young years.  He paused just to take it all in.

Then with a twinkle, he replied,

Ok, mommy.

His face went from contemplative stare to a childish grin.

I’m done.

His question caught me off guard.  I don’t know why I am ever surprised anymore.  Sometimes we find our deepest fears in our most vulnerable positions.  We find surprises and depth in the most ordinary of places.  Even the potty.

The next day was the end of this whirlwind tour.  We flew with the six pack for endless hours which seemed to multiply with each impatient shriek from the two-year-old.

Finally, home.  The for-now home.

Elated to be back in our own beds no matter the zip code.

There’s just something about Christmas time that brings all our memories and emotions to a volcanic crescendo.  Good… and not so good.

Another trip for my warrior left me solo with the littles for a short stretch of time.

The doing, and buying, and decorating, and preparing can just about do you in.  It can just about snuff out the joy… and gratitude.

The words of a new friend lingered in my thoughts… center and savor.  Amy spoke truth when she reminded me to center and savor this season.  The drive to perfection just gets in the way.  Perfection today could have just been called minimal madness.

And it got the best… rather, the worst, of me.  A complete mama-meltdown.  When in the world will I learn? How many years does it take to become that wise, calm, peaceful mother who looks knowingly across her room to see that the little things truly are the big things?  The tiny pieces of this puzzle are what make the whole tapestry beautiful.  Not a piece can be replaced.

But, me, I had a hissy fit.  A snarling, self-centered pity party.  Invites were sent to all my kids.  They were thrilled.

The tears flowed and doors slammed.  All me.  The prettiest pictures can’t avoid the truth of our natures.  Not so pretty.

Forgiving arms wrapped around mama’s neck.  Cheeks were dried and kisses lavished.

That whole guiding thing?  Don’t follow me today.  It’s a rocky road. 

Decorations resumed and moods improved.  It wasn’t until hours later that I found her note.  My little girl who watched the lava flow from her frazzled mom.

Dear Mom, I’m sorry your upset.  I just wanted to say, I love you.

How in the world do they get it?  When a mother just breaks right down and loses her way.

How in the world do the stay on the path?  When mama gets lost in the woods.

How in the world do they know the words?  When mom spews anger from her mouth.

Unless, they have found the better guide.  The only Guide.  

The One who shows them just where to go… and what to say.  The One who whispers the truth when human words confuse the vocabulary.

Children.  They really get it so much more than we do.  God takes our best effort at mothering… at parenting… and turns it into something unimaginable.

A journey to His heart.

 

Deuteronomy 4:39

Acknowledge and take to heart this day that the Lord is God in heaven above and on the earth below. There is no other.